heart of courage
by fssquiggles
Summary: "Just admit it, Lily. Admit that you have feelings for me." "No." No strings attached, no feelings, that was the deal, and Lily Evans plans on sticking to it. James/Lily. Oneshot.


**title: **heart of courage  
**author: **fssquiggles  
**disclaimer **i am not jk rowling bc if i were i'd be writing a marauders series  
**notes: **16prompts from a writing challenge post, angst_angst_angst, also lots of curse words if ur fragile or young  
listened to "that home"/"to build a home" by the cinematic orchestra, title from heart of courage by two steps from hell

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**1. Beginning**

The first time they officially met was on the train to her new life. He had insulted her _best friend _and how could she just let some _stupid boy_ insult the only person she got to share both of her lives with?

(It only made sense that the beginning of her new life would also be the beginning of her dislike for _him_.)

**2. Accusation**

She had lost her best friend and she wanted someone to blame. Deep down she blamed herself for not trying hard enough to hold on to him, to keep him away from the goddamn darkness. It hurt to know that no matter how hard she tried she still hadn't tried hard enough (she never did, did she?) and she just wanted _someone else_ to blame. She knew she was being selfish, but she was a selfish person.

So she accused him of ruining her life. She threw _so many_ accusations at him and _why couldn't she just stop?_

Because she hated him. She hated Severus. She hated _herself_.

By the end of the night, she was sure she had managed to make all that hate mutual.

**3. Restless**

She could feel his eyes on her, burning into her very being (like his lips had just a few hours ago). Whatever this was, the snogging in broom closets and hand holding in dark, deserted corridors, had begun to unnerve her_._ Every time she vowed to stop what they were doing, he would kiss her so softly, so lovingly; she couldn't help but let every resolve float away. His touch left a trail of sparks and burning and she thought that he had branded her somehow, branded her with kisses so deeply engrained into her bones that she was afraid _everyone_ could see them.

**4. Denial**

"Just fucking _admit it_, Lily."

"Admit _what_?"

"Tell me there's something there, that you bloody _feel_ something."

"No."

"Lily—"

"No! Don't—Merlin—stop, _just stop_. This, this was all supposed to be just a bit of fun, yeah? That was the deal, no strings attached, _no feelings_. I just…we're leaving Hogwarts soon, and then what? Where the hell are we going to go from there? Into the middle of a fucking _war_, that's where. So I ca—I _don't_ feel anything for you. And I never will. That's what we are, Potter, that's what we bloody _do_, for Godric's sake, we hate each other. So, please, _please_ just don't."

She's breathing hard and he's just staring at her with this _look_, like he used to look at her when they first started sneaking around. It's the same look he gave her the night she shoved all those accusations at him. He's looking at her like he hates her, hates the very sight of her. He nods, briskly, and turns on his heels. She closes her eyes. She feels nauseous.

**5. Tremble**

She can't stay away from him.

"I can't stay away from him." Stormy gray eyes meet hers and they immediately narrow in contempt.

"Then go tell him you wanna shag," he smirks then, and it's unnerving how cynical even his grins can be, "Better yet, don't even tell him. Just lay around in his bed naked, he'll get the idea."

"Piss off, Sirius."

He glares and leans forward, "I like you, I really do, so I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, love…He's moved on." He leans back, tipping his chair back on two legs with easy grace, "You fucked my best friend over, literally and in every other sense, Evans. You have no right to change your mind and expect him to let you run back to him like nothing ever happened. You lost your chance."

She puts her head down on the table; her hands are shaking. She feels like an absolute prick. Sirius pats her head gently.

**6. Look**

Sometimes he catches her eyes, in the great hall, during class, or even in the common room, and he does this _thing_ where he traps her in his gaze, always smirking, until she is forced to break away first. She hates it so much. Especially when he does it as he embraces his girlfriend, as if he's making it clear that he knows, he fucking _knows_, and he doesn't care.

**7. Winter**

She can tell that everyone is watching her but all she can feel is the biting cold. ("It's fitting, isn't it?" Alice whispers.) Lily's laugh cuts through the silence and it takes her a minute to realize that she's actually sobbing. None of this is fitting and all she can think is _why?_ They were too young to fight a war, to die, to be buried. _Why?_ She repeats like a prayer, the last prayer she'll ever pray.

**8. Mad**

She is a whirlwind of emotions and she wants to lash out. So when he gives her that look, she snaps. Usually he just takes it, the screaming and insults, but something in him snaps, too.

"I thought feelings weren't supposed to be a part of _the deal_?" He says suddenly, a lot quieter but just as harsh, stepping closer.

"There _are_ no feelings, you tosser," she sneers right back, standing her ground.

"Do you hate me, then?" And there's something in his voice that makes her step away. She stares at his blankblank_blank_ face and refuses to answer.

He steps even closer, backing her into the wall, and she can pinpoint exactly how each muscle in his jaw tenses. She could make fucking blueprints out of his face. "This is what you wanted, yeah?" He laughs humorlessly, pushing his body against hers, closing the gap, his eyes dark, "Just a bit of fun." He's pulling at her, roughly, and she knows this is so, _so_ wrong. "Just a good shag, that's all." Her mind draws a blank in the morality department because his _hands _are everywhere. Oh Merlin, _his hands_. She clutches his hair and she can practically feel his smirk against her bare skin.

**9. Simple**

It's simple, really, their kind of relationship. They get mad, they shag. Lily doesn't mind it, honestly. This way she won't have to worry whether or not another person she loves will ever come back whenever they walk out the door. She doesn't hate him (she doesn't think she ever really did), but she doesn't love him either. It's nice. It's simple.

**10. Order**

She joins the Order of the Phoenix without a second thought. So does he. And then he starts to leave for extended periods of time and she finds herself drawn to his three best friends because the way they _are_ (joking and untidy and lanky) reminds her of home. She doesn't know why. When she mentions this to Peter and Remus, they laugh for what seems like days.

**11. Summer**

The next summer, Voldemort tries to recruit them. They refuse (to put it the kindest way possible) and it's a miracle that they even managed to escape him the first time, let alone a second time. She throws hexes at a greasy haired Death Eater blocking her path, until he relents. She sees a flash of black, a hooked nose, a flurry of robes before she finds herself with a clear way out, just beyond the gates. She hears a shout, though, and she spins on her heel and runs back. Voldemort knows what she's thinking, she's sure of it, otherwise he wouldn't have looked her right in the eye as he pushed his wand to James's temple.

**12. Thanks**

"You wouldn't have gotten hurt if you just escaped when you had the chance."

"I know."

"But you didn't."

"I know."

"Why?"

"_James_."

He slowly grins down at her, for the first time in a long time, and winks suggestively. "Well, I guess it's my job to make you feel better, yeah?"

She grimaces at him and he rolls his eyes. "Thanks for saving my life, Lily." He murmurs against her cheek.

**13. Transformation**

They touch when they're mad and sad and happy and lonely and overwhelmed and everything in between. It's not as simple as before and she's actually okay with that.

"Life is too short," she says.

He plays with her hair and gives her a feather soft smile,

"Then let's live forever."

**14. Knowledge**

Voldemort is hunting for them. He's ripping the Order (_their friends_) apart for them, for their son. They resent going into hiding, but they do it anyway (because what else can they do?). They don't find out about the Longbottoms until days later and, when they do, she drags both her boys into the big bed and they cuddle all night (because she's terrified, he teases). Bad news hits them all at once and she is worried. He is restless. They're mostly bored (and they know that's a horrible thing to think because this is _war_ and boredom is a blessing. It means you're safe).

**15. Sunset**

It's October 31st, 1981.

She meets his eyes and she silently begs him to come with her. He shakes his head, and she sees that little twinkle in his eyes that she used to hate and now loves so much. He's telling her to _go, run! Take Harry and go! I'll hold him off!_ And she knows he can't do anything but die because he's wandless, _helpless_. A Gryffindor through and through, she thinks not even bothering to wipe the tears from her face. She kisses Harry, whispers to him until she hears the creaks, the cold, empty laughter. She's frightened out of her wits but she's a Gryffindor, too. She looks Voldemort in his snake eyes and refuses to let him kill her son. She refuses to budge. She's staring down the end of a wand and all she wants is for their son to live.

**16. Future**

[a green-eyed boy with messy dark hair and a lightning bolt shaped scar]

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**soooo how was it?**

**did ya like it?**

**reviews are hugs from tom hiddleston mmmhhmm**

**xx**


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